Relationships - by Dave Barry
- Attendees
- meter@bmerhbfc
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Author
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Summary
For your information:
---forwarded-message---->
Jun 02 13:26:00 1995
To: Patricia (P.A.) Dy (BNR) Dept 7I61 SKY
Heather (H.) Mullen (BNR) Dept 7X44 SKY
Cory (C.J.) Bialowas (BNR) Dept 7C37 SKY
Fred (F.J.) LaLonde (BNR) Dept 4Y26 CAR
Colin (C.M.) Puchala (BNR) Dept N112 SKY
Paul (P.) Relf (BNR) Dept 7Q25 SKY
John (J.) Spicer (BNR) Dept 7P11 CAR
Victor (V.) Pak (BNR) Dept 7K34 SKY
Daniel (D.A.) Reynolds (BNR) Dept 5D11 CAR
Bryan (B.) Obright (BNR) Dept 7M12 CAR
Colin (C.W.) Kemp (BNR) Dept 7X85 SKY
Mark (M.L.) Daku (BNR) Dept 7X51 SKY
Scott (S.) Appleby (BNR) Dept 7X87 SKY
Lillian (L.E.) MacDonald (BNR) Dept 7K43 SKY
Matthew (M.P.) Klucha (BNR) Dept 0K12 CAR
Jeffrey (J.A.) Mauthe (BNR) Dept 7I15 SKY
Pierre (P.) Duchesne (BNR) Dept 4B32 CAR
Robert (R.T.) Hubert (BNR) Dept 7I63 SKY
Douglas (D.A.) Sander (BNR) Dept 4Y11 CAR
Trevor (T.) Holt (BNR) Dept 7X16 SKY
Joao-Paulo (J.) Neves Francisco (BNR) Dept 4B32 CAR
Edward (E.) Hindle (BNR) Dept 7I61 SKY
Eileen (E.) Suzuki (BNR) Dept 2E83 SKY
From: Jane (J.) Dowsey (BNR) Dept 7I61 SKY
Subject: fw:Relationships
It's so true...
---forwarded-message---->
Fri Jun 2 09:26:00 1995
To: Erik (E.K.) Kosar (BNR) Dept 7W22 CAR
George (G.) Hollett (BNR) Dept 7Y31 CAR
David (D.) Kolody (BNR) Dept 7A24 SKY
Jane (J.) Gibson (BNR) Dept 7Y21 CAR
Jane (J.) Dowsey (BNR) Dept 7I61 SKY
Jenny (J.Y.S.) Leung (BNR) Dept 9P21 CAR
From: Richard (R.) Yee (BNR) Dept PS46 SKY
Subject: fw:Relationships
FYA (For Your Amusement)
RELATIONSHIPS
By DAVE BARRY
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a
long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship
with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With
human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't
really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.
He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good
time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they
enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and
after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs
to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do
you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by
our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some
kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really
even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed
it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of
being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What
cold weather? It's 25 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . .
''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves
a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place,
he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians
he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells
him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is
pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's
policy regarding world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown,
and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about
different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot
communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than
she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of
Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you
want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to
remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a
relationship.
The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea
in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday
conversation, such as:
-- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we
have a relationship?''
-- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
relationship!
You and I do, I mean.''
-- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our
fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a
relationship!''
-- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only
about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53
years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.''
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually
it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start
thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about
women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .
We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.''
And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant
to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.
''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to
make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys
were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth,
and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.