Baseball rules revised
- Attendees
- meter@bmerhbfc
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Author
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Summary
For your information:
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Jan 09 13:09:00 1996
To: Colin (C.W.) Kemp (BNR) Dept 7X85 SKY
From: Colin (C.W.) Kemp (BNR) Dept 7X85 SKY
Subject: [rec.humor.funny] baseball rules revised
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Organization: Dakota State University
From: [email protected] (Eite)
Subject: baseball rules revised
Keywords: smirk, sexual, offense=women
Approved: [email protected]
Path: bmerhc5e.bnr.ca!bcarh8ab.bnr.ca!bcarh8ac.bnr.ca!corpgate!news.utdallas.edu!news.tamu.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!hookup!nic.wat.hookup.net!xenitec!looking!funny-request
Message-ID:
Date: Wed, 3 Jan 96 19:30:07 EST
Lines: 100
Newly Revised Guide to the Bases
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Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so,
do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeah man, at
the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to
second base!")? Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was
second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.
Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got
older. What's a person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to
describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four
stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of
both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of
modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the
Newly Revised Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing
and sometimes not.
--Second Base- This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.
--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was,
EVERYONE knew!
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a
repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new
factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy
triple)? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have
attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado...
- ---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases
--On Deck- Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out- Duh!!
--Walk- Kissing
--Bunt- Masturbation
--Single- Tongue kissing
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels
- --Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
- --Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
- --Home Run- SEX!!!
- --Ground Rule Double- Would have sex, but no condom
- --Error- Condom breaks during sex
- --Banned for life for gambling- Sex without condom
- --Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
- --Balk- Premature ejaculation
- --Pine Tar- KY jelly
- --Relief pitcher- Vibrator
- --Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
- --Box Seats- Waterbed
- --Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
- --Dead Ball- Blue balls / passion cramps
- --Florida Snow- Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.)
- --Rookie- Virgin
- --Minor Leagues- Under 18
- --Loaded Bases- Manage a trois
- --Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
- --Foul tip- Venereal Disease
- --Three up and three down- impotency
- --"All you"- Make the first move
- --Batting Glove- Sexual aide
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the
old confusion with our current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past
third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home
run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked
during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
pitcher.
- --
Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to [email protected].
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
Administrative note:
The recent joke "The Chain Letter of St. Paul" was apparently taken from
_The Book of Sequels_, edited by Christopher Cerf and Henry Beard. The full
title of the work is "The Chain Letter of Paul the Apostle to the Corinthians".
My thanks to Jan Nielsen for pointing this out to me. It is *very*
important that you attribute all submissions correctly! - ed.
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