A little HP humor
- Attendees
- meter@bmerhbfc
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Author
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Summary
For your information:
---forwarded-message---->
Jan 30 23:05:00 1996
To: Colin (C.W.) Kemp (BNR) Dept 7X36 SKY
From: '[email protected]' (BNR400)
Subject: a little HP humor
Attachment: 1) UNIX File: ORIGINAL.HEADER - 720 bytes
>Date: Tue, 30 Jan 1996 21:26:48 -0600
>To: prodmktg,ckemp
>From: Phil Kemp
>Subject: a little HP humor
>
>
>>Forwarded message:
>>This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming
>>disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for
>>life.
>>
>>I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new
>>series 70 -- the works. He said it would take about an hour. Three hours
>>later, we'd barely gotten the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he
>>invited me downstairs for lunch.
>>
>>This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
>>counter was a menu which began ...
>>
>>MMUs (Main Menu Units)
>>
>>0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
>> Must order condiments 00110A separately
>>
>> 001 Deletes seeds.
>> 002 Expands burger to two patties.
>>
>> 00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and
>> condiments.
>>
>> 001 Add-on bacon.
>> 002 Delete second patty.
>> 003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
>>
>> 00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
>>
>> 001 From Single Burger.
>> 002 From Double Burger.
>> 003 Return credit for bun.
>>
>> 00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
>>
>> 001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
>>
>> My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
>>waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
>>
>>"How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if possible. Can't I
>>just order a sandwich and a drink?" "No sir. All our service is menu
>>driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the
>>00010 burger?" "The patty is rated at eight bites." "Well, how about the
>>rest of it?" "I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a
>>bit more." "Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger
>>Upgrade."
>>
>>My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
>>'expands burger to two patties.' The double burger upgrade would give
>>you two burgers.
>>
>>"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed
>>in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
>>
>>I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple
>>in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me
>>down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to
>>some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.
>>
>>"What if ... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
>>option and without the burger and cheese? It would be a BLT!"
>>
>>The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
>>steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
>>attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"
>>
>>"Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
>>option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment
>>Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a
>>option to substitute relish.
>>
>>"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too." "That's not a
>>condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again.
>>"Thats not a supported configuration." "What now?" I kept my voice
>>steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget the ketchup,
>>just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
>>
>>The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but thats
>>not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in
>>the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release."
>>"It is being beta-tested, sir."
>>
>>I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110.
>>French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
>>Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot
>>of them."
>>
>>I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
>>confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
>>configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No
>>ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf." I wondered how
>>long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
>>
>>"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal is
>>now on order. Now how would you like it supported?" "Support?" She
>>directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I
>>began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
>>
>>"Implementation assistance?"
>>
>>"You get a waiter."
>>
>>"Implementation analysis?"
>>
>>"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."
>>
>>"Response Center Support?"
>>
>>"He brings it to your table."
>>
>>"Extended materials?"
>>
>>"You get refills."
>>
>>I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave
>>me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way
>>to the table, and decided it would pass as an emergency napkin.
>>
>>Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
>>hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter
>>slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and
>>said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand alone chair by the window
>>right away."
>>
>>I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of
>>chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room
>>began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
>>
>>I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
>>four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it
>>told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
>>
>>
>>------- end -------
>>--
>>Regards,
>>
>>Jack Edwards e-mail: [email protected]
>>Manager Technical Services phone#: (214) 497-4949
>>Responsible for Convex "Networks and Telecom"; problems please let me know.
>>
>>
>
Phil Kemp Voice:(214)-497-4671
Hewlett Packard Fax:(214)-497-4141
CONVEX Technology Center Internet:[email protected]
Richardson, Texas