A Drunkards Guide
- Attendees
- meter@bmerhbfc
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Author
- Colin Kemp 7K76 BNR
- Summary
For your information:
---forwarded-message---->
Mar 10 17:37:00 1996
To: Cory (C.J.) Bialowas (BNR) Dept 7C13 SKY
Terry (T.) Lavineway (BNR) Dept C925 CAR
Colin (C.M.) Puchala (BNR) Dept 6S23 SKY
Fred (F.J.) LaLonde (BNR) Dept 4Y26 SKY
Douglas (D.A.) Sander (BNR) Dept 4Y51 SKY
Jane (J.) Dowsey (BNR) Dept 7I61 SKY
Colin (C.W.) Kemp (BNR) Dept 7K76 SKY
Patricia (P.A.) Dy (BNR) Dept 7I61 SKY
Dave (D.M.) Bond (BNR) Dept 6S00 SKY
'[email protected]' (BNR400)
'[email protected]' (BNR400)
Karen (K.L.) Hunt (BNR) Dept 7T45 CAR
Diane (D.) White (BNR) Dept 0K12 CAR
From: Alan (A.B.) Williams (BNR) Dept X753 SKY
Subject: fw:Drunk guide... (fwd)
I think we should have had this for Tanja's party last night!!
Shay-dar
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ALCOHOL USERS' TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE.
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| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION TO BE TAKEN
|
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| Drink fails to give | Mouth not open | Buy another pint and
| satisfaction and | while drinking OR | practice in front of
| taste. Shirt front | glass being applied | mirror. Continue with
| is wet. | to wrong part of | as many pints as necessary
| | face. | until drinking technique
| | | perfect.
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| Drinking gives no | Glass is empty. | Find someone who will buy
| satisfaction or | | you another pint.
| taste. Glass is | |
| unusually pale and | |
| clear. | |
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|Feet wet and cold. | Glass is empty. | Turn glass the other way
| | | up, so that the open end
| | | is pointing at the
| | ceiling.
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| Feet wet and warm | Incorrect bladder | Go and stand next to
| | control. | nearest dog. After a
| | | while, complain to dog's
| | | owner about the lack of
| | | house training. Demand a
| | | pint as compensation.
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| Bar blurred. | You are looking | Find someone who will buy
| | through the bottom | you another pint.
| | of an empty glass. |
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| Bar Swaying | Air turbulence is | Insert broom handle down
| | unusually high. May | back of jacket.
| | be due to darts |
| | match. |
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| Bar Moving | You are being | Find out if you are being
| | carried out. | taken to another pub; if
| | | not, complain loudly that
| | | you're being hijacked
| | | by the salvation army.
|
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| You notice the | You have fallen | If your glass is full and
| wall oposite is | over backwards. | no one is standing on your
| covered with | | arm drinking, then stay
| ceiling tiles and | | put.
| strip lights. | |
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| Everything has | You have fallen | As for falling backwards.
| gone dim, and you | over forwards. |
| have a mouthful of | |
| broken teeth and | |
| dog ends. | |
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| Everything has | The bar is closing. | PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!
| gone dark. | |
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| You wake up to find | You have spent the | Check your watch to see
| find your bed cold | night in the gutter.| it it's opening time. If
| hard and wet. You | | not, treat yourself to a
| can't see your | | lie-in.
| bedroom walls or | |
| ceiling. | |
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