Things that never happen in Star Trek
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- meter@bmerhbfc
- Colin Kemp 7K77 BNR
- Author
- Colin Kemp 7K77 BNR
- Summary
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Aug 20 08:31:00 1996
To: '[email protected]' (BNR400)
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Harold (H.) Bouwmeester (BNR) Dept 7Q22 SKY
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Tiberiu (T.) Grigoriu (BNR) Dept 7L63 SKY
Holly (H.A.) Armstrong (BNR) Dept 7K76 SKY
Colin (C.W.) Kemp (BNR) Dept 7K76 SKY
Peter (P.J.) Frellick (BNR) Dept 7K76 SKY
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Xinxin (X.X.) Wang (BNR) Dept 7K76 SKY
From: James (J.L.) Beuerman (BNR) Dept 7K76 SKY
Subject: Things that never happen in Star Trek
Attachment: 1) UNIX File: ORIGINAL.HEADER - 720 bytes
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Aug 19 10:15 1996
To: James (J.L.) Beuerman (BNR) Dept 7K76 SKY
'[email protected]' (BNR400)
'[email protected]' (BNR400)
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From: '[email protected]' (BNR400)
Subject: (fwd) OT: Trek humor (fwd)
Attached: 1 UNIX File: ORIGINAL.HEADER 720 bytes
> From [email protected] Mon Aug 19 09:13:43 1996
> From: (INTERNET)[email protected] at external
>
> 46 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it
> has encountered before.
>
> 2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who
> are all perfectly all right.
>
> 3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called
> Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon
> revealed to
> be exactly as it seems.
>
> 4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later
> turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
>
> 5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
> which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
>
> 6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the
> Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the
> right leads.
>
> 7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
> faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
>
> 8) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer
> panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature
> called a 'fuse'.
>
> 9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without
> serious incident.
>
> 10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
> which does not put them on trial.
>
> 11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
>
> 12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous
> situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
>
> 13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
> which they easily pacify with candy.
>
> 14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is
> in no way connected with the 20th century.
>
> 15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
>
> 16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some
> other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's
> satisfaction.
>
> 17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
>
> 18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day
>
> 19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is
> discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful,
> "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
>
> 20) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a
> single malfunction trapping him/her there.
>
> 21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
>
> 22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
>
> 23) Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
>
> 24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
>
> 25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
>
> 26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski
> show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?!
> Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
>
> 27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual
> range no one says "On screen."
>
> 28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to
> one of the Enterprise's hails.
>
> 29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done
> in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the
> tape).
>
> 30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
> git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a
> change.
>
> 31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it,
> and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
>
> 32) The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort
> themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
> Wesley Crusher.
>
> 33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better
> than ever.
>
> 34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a
> hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
>
> 35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
>
> 36) Data falls in love with the replicator.
>
> 37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and
> isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. [or even:
> Kirk (or Riker) meets an attractive woman and does not fall in love. -psl]
>
> 38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
> people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
>
> 39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell
> the tale.
>
> 40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being
> able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences
> that anyone says to him.
>
> 41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
>
> 42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk
> DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
>
> 43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she
> doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
>
> 44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
>
> 45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by
> alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan
> physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
>
> 46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to
> understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow.
>
> [email protected]
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From: A Warren Pratten
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Subject: (fwd) OT: Trek humor (fwd)
To: [email protected] (James Beuerman), [email protected] (Mike Aquino),
[email protected] (Peter Scheyen), [email protected],
[email protected] (Gianna Gagliardi), [email protected]
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 1996 09:56:59 -0400 (EDT)
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